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Oh, Captain! My Captain! - We’ve watched Trump screw the pooch, and then the dog pound;As our ship of state is now running aground.With Donald as captain, our ship’s sprung a leak,Joe Rogan suspects that Trump’s mind is unsound. We’re caught in a storm and our ship’s timbers creak,Our classicists think of Odysseus, the Greek.But… Read More
Have a Sandwich with Jesus
- Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth Asks God to Help Kill Iranians at Monthly Pentagon Prayer Meeting May 8, 2026The United States Department of Defense now holds monthly evangelical Christian worship services, which is a sentence that exists in 2026. At the most recent one, Secretary Pete Hegseth — who prefers the title “Secretary of War,” which is not a real title but here we are — opened his heart to the Lord and […]
- Florida Man Burns Down His House, Returns Hours Later to Burn More Things, Stabs Man Who Objected May 8, 2026Florida does not do things in half-measures. When William Michael Larsen, 37, of the Floral City area decided to burn his own house down, he committed fully to the bit. He burned it. He left. He came back. He burned again. A man attempted to stop the second fire. Larsen stabbed him. Following this sequence […]
- Florida Man Arrested in Walmart Dog Bed Section While Streaming His Own Arrest on TikTok May 4, 2026The American entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well, and it is hiding in the pet supplies aisle of an Englewood, Florida Walmart at 11 o’clock at night. Eighteen-year-old Isaac Hurley had a plan. A clear plan, a monetizable plan, a plan that required exactly one Walmart, one phone, and zero understanding of how burglary laws […]
- Pete Hegseth Credits God with Winning the Iran War, Asks That He Please Keep the Receipts May 4, 2026Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth stood at the Pentagon podium following a two-week ceasefire in Iran and delivered what may be the most theologically loaded military press briefing in American history. “Our troops deserve the credit,” he said, “but God deserves all the glory.” He went on to describe tens of thousands of military sorties […]
- Florida Man Loads Missiles onto Truck, Is Shocked Society Has Questions May 1, 2026There is a long and storied tradition in this great nation of expressing oneself through automotive customization. Truck nuts. Flame decals. The occasional Calvin urinating on a rival brand. But 69-year-old Michael Nipper of Plant City, Florida, decided that what his Ford Maverick pickup truly needed was a rack of missiles in the flatbed. Nipper […]