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Oh, Captain! My Captain! - We’ve watched Trump screw the pooch, and then the dog pound;As our ship of state is now running aground.With Donald as captain, our ship’s sprung a leak,Joe Rogan suspects that Trump’s mind is unsound. We’re caught in a storm and our ship’s timbers creak,Our classicists think of Odysseus, the Greek.But… Read More
Have a Sandwich with Jesus
- Florida Man Arrested in Walmart Dog Bed Section While Streaming His Own Arrest on TikTok May 4, 2026The American entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well, and it is hiding in the pet supplies aisle of an Englewood, Florida Walmart at 11 o’clock at night. Eighteen-year-old Isaac Hurley had a plan. A clear plan, a monetizable plan, a plan that required exactly one Walmart, one phone, and zero understanding of how burglary laws […]
- Pete Hegseth Credits God with Winning the Iran War, Asks That He Please Keep the Receipts May 4, 2026Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth stood at the Pentagon podium following a two-week ceasefire in Iran and delivered what may be the most theologically loaded military press briefing in American history. “Our troops deserve the credit,” he said, “but God deserves all the glory.” He went on to describe tens of thousands of military sorties […]
- Florida Man Loads Missiles onto Truck, Is Shocked Society Has Questions May 1, 2026There is a long and storied tradition in this great nation of expressing oneself through automotive customization. Truck nuts. Flame decals. The occasional Calvin urinating on a rival brand. But 69-year-old Michael Nipper of Plant City, Florida, decided that what his Ford Maverick pickup truly needed was a rack of missiles in the flatbed. Nipper […]
- Florida Man Uses AI Deepfake to Frame Two Black Men for a Crime, Gets Arrested Immediately May 1, 2026In a story that somehow manages to combine racism, technology, and breathtaking stupidity into one tidy Florida package, a 22-year-old man from Lake Worth has been arrested after showing a sheriff’s deputy a three-second AI-generated video that appeared to show two Black men breaking into the deputy’s own patrol car. The suspect, Alexis Martínez-Arizala, reportedly […]
- Florida Man Arrested While Dressed as Chuck E. Cheese. In a Chuck E. Cheese. April 30, 2026Florida has given us a lot. But this one feels like a milestone. Jermel Jones, 41, was arrested inside a Chuck E. Cheese in Florida while wearing the Chuck E. Cheese mascot costume. He is alleged to have used someone else’s credit card to make purchases, which he did while dressed as a six-foot animatronic […]