God Rest Ye Merry, Citizens

 

God rest ye merry, citizens, let nothing you dismay.

Society’s protected by your local NRA.

The guns that we should regulate

Are free to circulate.

And a nut case can buy one in your state, in your state,

Even Alex Jones could buy one in your state.

 

If terrorists want airline tickets, they may not buy one.

The NRA says nonetheless, let’s let them buy a gun.

Their travel is a cause for fright;

Their gun’s a sacred right.

So if nuts purchase guns it is all right, it’s all right.

To carry guns is our most sacred right.

 

In Colorado there’s a place where waitresses pack heat. (1)

And all the customers are armed when they come in to eat.

The waitresses are very cute,

No customers dispute.

But don’t fart or they all might draw and shoot, draw and shoot.

If you belch or fart they all might draw and shoot.

 

So let us praise the NRA and give a lusty cheer

For forty thousand gun deaths in the USA each year.

So buy a gun; don’t be alarmed

Or fear that you’ll be harmed.

For we’ll all be much safer when we’re armed, when we’re armed.

Yes, we claim we’ll all be safer when we’re armed.

 

The problem is that all the data say that we are wrong.

They show if there’s a gun at home, then you won’t live as long.

The probabilities are clear;

A gun may cost you dear.

You’ll be much less safe with a gun at home, in your home.

The whole family’s threatened with a gun at home.

 

• Lauren Boebert’s (R, CO) “Shooters Grill,” in Rifle, Colorado.

 

Stephen Baird, 2015-2022