One small reason Donald Trump will not win the women’s vote

Donald Trump recently said that Hillary Clinton got “schlonged” by Barack Obama in the 2008 Democratic Presidential primary elections. This unleashed a torrent of commentary about the use of Yiddishisms, whether or not the term was useable as a verb form, whether it was vulgar, and so forth. The following poem takes advantage of this opening. It was previously published by Don Harrison on his Jewish Heritage website:

One small reason Donald Trump will not win the women’s vote

When Donald Trump opens his Fresser
Describing the length of his Schlang
We were expecting viel besser
But Donald Trump’s Schlang ist nicht lang.

A Schmuck should be more than a Schmeckel
But we look and we ask, “Wus is los?”
For it seems nothing in Donald’s Peckel
Would make us think Etwas ist gross.

And so when Trump opens his Fresser
To tell us how he is so fein
We know we deserve Etwas besser–
Gross Kopf, aber Schmeckel so klein.

Stephen Baird, December 24, 2015

Stephen Baird, MD, is Professor Emeritus of Pathology at UCSD School of Medicine and the singer-songwriter for the Galapagos Mountain Boys, a band that does “scientific gospel” songs.


Yiddish is a Medieval Germanic dialect so I have used German spellings. Here are the words in the order they appear. Nouns are capitalized. I expect comments, suggestions, and criticisms.
Fresser: a slang term for “mouth.” “You had to open your big fresser….”
Schlang: literally, “snake,” a slang term probably best translated as “dick.”
Besser: better. viel besser: much better. Etwas besser: something or anything better.
Schlang ist nicht lang: schlang is not long.
Schmeckel: diminutive of Schmuck. Schmuck literally means ornament or jewel. The English expression “the family jewels,” referring to male genitalia, is similar. “Look at the big schmuck on that camel,” could either refer to part of a male camel’s anatomy or the person riding on it.
Wus is los?: What is wrong?
Peckel: a little package.
Etwas ist gross: Something or anything is big (huge in Trump’s parlance.)
Fein: fine
Gross Kopf, aber Schmeckel so klein: Big head but little schmeckel.

I have to admit that I don’t really know anything about Donald Trump’s schmeckel, but he started it.
Solana Beach, December 26, 2015

And, here’s a seasonal tune for you thrifty ones out there.

EPIPHANY (O Tannenbaum)

Epiphany, Epiphany,
It comes in January.
Epiphany, Epiphany,
When sales are customary.
Epiphany, the Wise Men came
To give their gifts; let’s do the same.
Epiphany, Epiphany,
It’s for the mercenary.

Will save you lots of money.
Post Christmas sales, post Christmas sales,
Get something for your honey.
Though there may be six feet of snow,
Post Christmas sales, post Christmas sales
Will make a blizzard sunny.

Epiphany, Epiphany,
Thy very name entices.
Epiphany, Epiphany,
The thought of sales suffices.
It’s time to start your shopping spree.
If Jesus saves, then so should we.
Epiphany, Epiphany,
How lovely are thy prices.

Stephen Baird, 2007